On the surface, being a stay-at-home mom may look like an easy gig… but any seasoned stay at home mom (SAHM) will quickly let you know otherwise! It requires patience, persistence, and a whole lot of self-regulation.
With that being said, being a SAHM mom can be a great experience. By making sure you know what to expect and considering all angles, you can decide whether being a SAHM is the right choice for you and your family.
Are you wondering what things to consider before becoming a stay-at-home mom? If you answered YES, you are in the right place! Keep reading to hear our list of 21 things you NEED to consider before making your choice.
This post is all about becoming a stay at home mom.
One of the most significant choices you will ever make in life is whether or not to have children. This decision is instantly followed by an infinite number of new decisions that need to be made. One of the most crucial decisions is choosing if you want to become a stay-at-home mom.
In this list, we are considering the good, the bad, and the things most people don’t talk about. Each item will be discussed objectively, since what will work well for one mother, may not work so well for another.
Remember, every mother, child, and family is beautifully unique! What is ideal and perfect for you, will probably not be so for your neighbor. Let’s jump right into it!
1. Being a stay at home mom can be lonely.
Being a stay-at-home mom is often associated with loneliness and for good reason. Whether you have one child or five, there is something about living your day-to-day life in absence of other adults that can leave you longing for some mature conversation.
I cannot tell you how many times I have longed for conversations with strangers at the Post Office. It gives a new meaning to the conversations you have with adults, because (aside from my husband) it’s genuinely nice to speak or be among people over the age of seven.
2. Staying at home does not mean isolation.
While it can be lonely, SAHMs by no means need to surrender themselves to a life of isolation. By reaching out to other moms, parenting groups, online forums, and other supports, there are plenty of ways to feel emotionally and socially fulfilled.
I will be the first to tell you that making friends as a child is SIGNIFICANTLY easier than making them as an adult. The cattiness and general “fakeness” some adults still exhibit is disgusting…and unfortunately, you may come across people like this more than you’d like or expect.
But, when you do find your mom friends, they are ride or die friends who will just “get you.” But getting to that point will require several rounds of what feels like speed dating.
3. You are never truly alone.
Even in the moments when you feel most alone, consider this: women HAVE been doing this for centuries, WILL be doing this for centuries to come, and CONTINUE to nurture their children alongside you in cultures across the world.
As a SAHM, you are never truly alone. No experience is unique, and from that, you can remember that you belong to a team of people who are trying their best!
While being a mom is the hardest job on the planet, there is comfort in knowing you’re not the first nor the last to experience this journey. This is the foundation of why I began the Do You Even Mom blog because there were times that I felt alone, and I didn’t have a familiar face, melanin or not, to relate to.
4. Does being a SAHM fit into your budget?
You need to be realistic in consulting with your spouse about your family’s financial status. Becoming a SAHM can mean cutting an entire income. Can your family afford that?
Some stay at home mom’s aspire to be a SAHM, but I didn’t. I never would have guessed that I would be a stay at home mom. Growing up, I was not a homebody. I always had some type of activity or meeting to attend.
After taking random jobs in the service industry, retail, and Corporate America, and finding several issues with all of them, my husband noticed a trend. Thankfully, he saw the sheer unfairness I experienced at each job, and when we moved to Florida, it was agreed that I would focus on making my own income.
In doing so, my husband excelled exponentially in his career, and financially, I didn’t “need” to work. I’m extremely grateful because I had the freedom to find my purpose without feeling abnormal trying to “make it work” in a cubicle community.
5. SAHM can work from home (remote work, daycare, etc).
Staying home does not have to mean losing an income, however. Mothers can stay home with their children while multitasking a career, potentially in the following areas:
- Childcare
- Freelancing
- Working remotely
- Sales
- Online shops
The opportunities are endless. Is working from home something that you would be capable of juggling with parenting if finances required you to do so?
To give a few examples of how I brought in an income was primarily being a YouTube Content Creator. Now, please don’t rush over to YouTube thinking you’ll make thousands by Christmas. I become a YouTube Partner before “YouTuber” was even a phrase.
I was doing YouTube for four years at the time, but moving to Florida and staying at home allowed me to focus on it 100%. And, about six months in, I was able to land sponsorships and paid collaborations which trickled over onto Instagram, and now my blog.
6. Cut costs to alleviate any financial burden
If you want to be a SAHM but finances are tight, check to see what small changes you can make to minimize costs and bills. Try couponing, limiting water and electric usage, walking instead of driving to save gas, and more! Small, intentional changes can make all the difference.
Before we moved to Florida, one of the many issues I experienced was losing my job. I lost my job twice because I was pregnant because my contract was terminated after working for the office for six years. But, during that time, I was an avid couponer.
Truth be told, it is nothing like they show on television, but couponing does cut costs significantly. And it was actually fun in the process. Figure out what works best for you, but pro tip: start with your music subscriptions and gym memberships.
7. SAHMs do not have to pay for childcare.
The reality is that if you are not tending to your children throughout the day, someone else will be. That means that if you do NOT stay home, you will have to fend for the cost of childcare and all that that entails. Now, I can see both sides of the argument here.
Personally speaking, we sent our oldest to school when she was seven and a half weeks old because I was working. However, she was only half-day five days a week which allowed me to work part-time so I had the luxury of working, but not having to spend eight or nine hours a day away from my firstborn.
When we moved to Florida, we tried to keep Mya home for the first year after moving, but reality set in quickly. Mya is a hands-on type of learner and she excelled when she was in a learning environment with kids her own age. So, while I was a full-time stay at home mom, we did pay for daycare.
And it was the best decision for her. To play devil’s advocate — Mariah, our middle child, has been loosely homeschooled since she was born. Originally, our intent was to send Mariah to daycare when she turned one, but the pandemic happened.
So, by default, she was forced to be homeschooled. But, this was the best decision for us because, even though we saved thousands each month on daycare expenses (when daycares reopened), we found that Mariah learned at a much faster rate than Mya did at home, solely because she was the second born.
At one, Mariah was speaking in full sentences, reading picture books, counting to 20, and knowing the primary colors. Now that we moved back to our home state, our kids are able to attend the same school and Mariah will join Mya this coming academic year at the age of three.
8. Will being a SAHM save you money in the long run.
If finances are the primary decider as to whether you will work inside or outside of the home, work cohesively with your partner to make a detailed list of incomes and expenses. Considering all costs, will being a SAHM save you money in the long run? The answer depends on your family size, location, geographical economics, and more… it will be different for everyone!
The best piece of marital advice I could give is to establish “Monday Meetings.” I heard the concept watching a random YouTube cleaning vlog, and I mentioned it to my husband. Nearly, five years later, my husband and I are still doing Monday Meetings which is essentially sitting down for at least 30 minutes to discuss our current finances, debt, savings, investments, and aspirations.
Meeting weekly with your spouse is paramount because even though your income may be significantly less than your husband’s, at the time, you will still feel like you have a voice in the finances so it’s not just his income. And it allows you and your husband to bond on yet another level in your marriage.
9. Not all women want to be SAHMs.
Some women feel pressure to be a SAHM due to traditional societal norms. Recognize that not all women want to be a SAHM… and that’s okay!
As I mentioned, this was the LAST title I ever wanted solely because of the stink society places on stay at home moms. While the majority of women agree that moms who stay at home work a neverending job, women, especially, will make you feel like you’re less than them because “all you do is sleep and shop.”
Sure, some may aspire to or live a life that alleviates them from doing anything else, or their kids are grown and they have the freedom to only do so. As blessed as we are, I am constantly trying to keep my head above water in achieving my own daily tasks outside of tending to the children.
Regardless of sacrificing my dream career, I wouldn’t trade places with anyone in the cubicle community, because I have been so blessed to see my kids literally change before my eyes every single day.
Now, I don’t say that to throw salt in anyone’s eyes who cherishes the corporate ladder. Having literally “been there done that” for Corporate America, I will gladly rock my spit-up stained shirt day in and out. Every mom is different, but no mom should be chastized for taking care of her children.
10. Being a SAHM means you get to spend an abundant amount of time with your children.
It may sound obvious, but this consideration probably has some pull in the situation! Some women find it painful to leave their children behind each day to go to work. Being a SAHM removes the situation altogether!
As mentioned above, I have been able to watch every single one of my kids grow up before my eyes. I was there for every first word, laugh, smile, and step and that is such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I am beside myself that I got to experience with each of our children.
But, I will admit: spending an abundant amount of time with your children literally means just that. I am always with my children. On the rare occasions that I grocery shop by myself, I cherish the extra time I spend walking down every single grocery aisle.
When it’s time for my self-care, I appreciate my husband for allowing me to have an unlimited budget at the nail salon so I can truly be pampered for two hours out of the month. Mamas out there, please do not forget your self-care. The first four years of Mya’s life, I was so ashamed to do anything for myself.
I didn’t go to the nail salon, get my hair done, and because I was working a 9-5, I didn’t have time to meet with friends after work, because I only had a few hours with Mya before it was bath and bedtime before doing it all over again the next morning.
Let me tell you: in those four years of avoiding self-care, I chopped off my hair twice, nearly divorced my husband, and went into depression. Never again. Learn to appreciate and love yourself enough to spoil yourself. You will be a better mother, wife, and friend when you’re being kind to yourself.
11. You do not have to be a SAHM forever.
Just because you decide to be a stay-at-home mom now, does not mean you have to stick to that decision until all of your children have surpassed age 18. This is the main reason why I relish the messiness of parenthood in constantly having spilled cheerios or crayons on the floor.
I enjoy being there to kiss the boo-boos. I love being able to save the day in still picking up my kids because they just want to be held. I know that there is an unmarked day in my future as a mom when I won’t be asked to pick up my kids for a cuddle session.
I know that I won’t be asked to kiss a boo-boo. And I know that my kids may turn to a best friend to discuss their day before talking to Mommy. Being at home to experience all of these moments is something that is coming to an end as my kids grow older, but I am not counting down the days by any means.
12. Being a SAHM can cause you to lose your sense of self.
The role of SAHM is a caretaker role. It’s important to consider whether this role will harm your sense of identity or feelings of self-worth. Honestly, this goes hand in hand with the importance of self-care.
During the lockdown, like most, I fell into a deep depression that I couldn’t shake. As an extrovert forced to remain within the same eggshell walls day in and day out drove me to the brink. Meanwhile, my husband (the introvert) was excelling.
The pandemic catapulted his industry and he was on a second exponential growth path while I (as a YouTuber) couldn’t find time in my day to film a video without my kids screaming in the background. I stopped filming because I didn’t have time, and I felt so unhappy inside because I was losing myself.
Though ecstatic, I was constantly cheering for my husband as he achieved better promotions while I was also promoted to the barber, homeschooler, chef, entertainer, dog groomer, and full-on 1920s housemaid.
I didn’t have time for myself or anything that brought me joy, and internally though I was doing so much for everyone in our family, I felt like a terrible wife and mom — and it showed emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
13. SAHMs sometimes feel like they never get a break.
Because they work within the home, many people feel that SAHMs relax all day. Of course, this is untrue. SAHMs never STOP working, since their role is 24/7. Some women see working outside of the home as a break from the constant upkeep of child-rearing and domestic duties.
As mentioned above, the lockdown catapulted me into a deep dark depression. But, the beauty of quarantine allowed every single person in society to finally see how hard it is to be a stay at home mom. It also allowed husbands and fathers to fully understand and witness what is actually involved in childrearing.
Even in chaos, there is beauty. I’m sure I’m not alone when I describe my life as a mom being chaotic at times. But thanks to quarantine, I felt sane knowing I wasn’t the only one struggling.
14. Discuss roles and responsibilities with your partner.
How do they respond? Are they willing to share the load with you? What would that look like in your family? If you choose to be a SAHM, will your partner come home from work and step in to offer you a break?
Will you be expected to continue all parental duties in the evenings, at night, and over weekends? Have an open dialogue with your partner about what shared parental responsibilities will look like as a SAHM or as a mother who works outside of the home.
Communication is key.
Being a stay at home mom still requires a partnership with your spouse. You may have more “free time” because you’re not punching a time card, but you still have bosses… they just happen to be under three feet tall. Make sure there is mutual respect with your husband, and he understands that you may not have time to graciously make him a sandwich if you have both babes strapped to your ankles while you’re wiping also cleaning up the mess from your kids at lunchtime.
15. Will taking time off to be a SAHM impact your career path?
Consider whether a break in your career will be detrimental to your future of it. This is not an impulse decision. There are countless mothers before us who struggled to reenter the workforce because of the gap in their résumé. In American society, you can’t exactly put “mom” on your resume.
It is unfair to expect a young mom to always know what her career path is, especially if you’re still trying to figure it out yourself. But, if your path is more direct and sure, take extra time to solidify your decision before becoming a SAHM.
The good thing about becoming a SAHM, it can always be temporary. So, if being at home full-time may put a damper on your career path, take a shorter leave, or work it out with your employer.
Another beauty in experiencing the lockdown, every single job for a large corporation immediately realized that mandated in-office meetings and attendance were not necessary to stay in business. Use that to your benefit and instead of being a SAHM, you can transition yourself to being a work from home mom instead.
16. Being a SAHM does not mean you stop developing intellectually.
A SAHM still has the opportunity to engage in society and be an active participant in personal growth, development, and progress. Don’t feel that becoming a SAHM will halt that.
Take this time to better yourself as an individual. You will have less time for yourself, but take time to read as much as you can. My favorite pasttime as a child was climbing into a random tree in the neighborhood and reading a book. As an adult, it’s harder to find time to read even a page.
In reality, you’ll never have the time to read unless you make it. Force yourself to do what you love to keep your mind sharp. You’ll love the person you become without even realizing the intellectual change in just reading a new book each month, at least.
17. Being a SAHM does not mean you will have lots of free time.
Contrary to popular belief, being a SAHM doesn’t give you time to do whatever you want. As mentioned several times above, everyone has the same 24 hours in a day…but it is a luxury to be able to use the bathroom without your kids and dogs joining the party.
While I love my children and fur kids, there are times when I would love peace and solitude to take a cat nap just to recharge before the next round of pillow fights. However, kids are always on GO. Admittedly, caffeine has become my best friend, and my husband and I resumed our weekly Starbucks runs as a family.
Sometimes, you have to do what works. And right now, the Starbz addiction is real.
18. It can get boring.
Living life in a constant cycle of routine can be comforting to some and draining to others. If this is your perception and current mood, I implore you to think outside the box.
As a stay at home mom, life should be the opposite of boring. Admittedly, I am a dreamer and an adventurist, but I am also a professional procrastinator. If I can avoid doing laundry and the dishes, I will find a new restaurant to visit or convince my husband to check out a new potential rental property just to take the scenic drive.
Life is what you make it, but it will cause you to tap into your creative side to keep things interesting so you still enjoy such a hectic schedule day in and day out with your kids.
19. You will have to make self-care a priority.
As a SAHM, alone time will come sparingly. You will need to make a significant effort to have alone time, especially since you won’t have work (or even a work commute) to separate yourself from the stresses of home.
If you can’t tell the importance of self-care this far into reading, I’ve failed you miserably and for that, I do apologize.
But to bring it home one more time: prioritize your self-care. Before you schedule everyone’s monthly appointments, and practices, write our self-care whether it is weekly wine in the bubble bath or monthly spa mani/pedi appointments FIRST.
Not only are you giving yourself the necessary grace by being able to return to your husband and children fully recharged, but you are also giving yourself a day and/or time to look forward to. Oftentimes as moms, we have to remember everyone else’s appointments and schedules.
Realistically, I love that we can afford to send Mya with extra money to participate in pizza day, but I don’t look forward to filling out the same form every single week. I don’t always look forward to bringing all three kids to their dental appointments.
But, I do count down the days until I can try a new foot scrub during my pedicure foot massage.
20. There will be days that you don’t feel good enough.
Being a SAHM is emotionally taxing, just like any other job.Â
After I gave birth to Noah, I experienced postpartum depression for the first time. Granted we had a significant amount of life changes that happened in months prior with moving cross country and handling renovations before I gave birth.
Now that we were back in our home state with family around to help, support, and meet our newborn baby boy, I actually felt less than stellar about myself when we brought him home.
I knew giving birth unmedicated was a feat in and of itself that I am still proud of to this day, but I felt like Noah was bonding with everyone else, except me. I wasn’t producing enough breastmilk to continue feeding him and he seemed to always smile when “Nana” and “TiTi” came to visit.
He didn’t cry for me after several minutes, and when I left the room, it was as if he didn’t even notice. Thankfully, my mom noticed, and she gave me time to bond with Noah, and the bond I thought was immediately gone after bringing him home was just as strong as it was when he was tucked in my womb.
Make sure you have or develop a genuine support system because days like this are bound to happen. But, your support system is there to help you through it.
21. Becoming a SAHM does not impact how good of a mom you are.
The fact that you have made it to the end of this list only signifies how much thought and care you put into making the right decision for your family. You are a great mom!
The choice to become a stay-at-home mom requires sacrifice and commitment. For some women, it will be the best thing they will ever do for their family, and for other women, it is simply not the right choice.
At the end of the day, only you and your partner can decide what the best option is. By considering all 21 things on this list, you will be well on your way to ensuring you make the right choice!
