When you first got married, there’s no way you’d have thought that at some point, you and your spouse would be where you are right now — in a sexless marriage. But how did you end up here exactly?
Trust me, this happens to more married couples than anyone would like to admit. I’m sharing three ways my husband and I transitioned from being married roommates to the giddy couple when we were dating.
This post is all about transitioning from married roommates.
You’re now taking turns alternating laundry, assigning dish-washing duties, and splitting house expenses down the middle. It feels like a cohesive environment, but something feels wrong. Your spouse is now your, oops, roommate.
We know, we’ve been there.
You made promises to each other that your life would be nothing but adventure and excitement, and you would never live like this. Unfortunately, life has a direction of its own, and this is where you are now.
Many couples have been where you are now.
Being in a sexless marriage happens because, of course, life has gotten busy, and you’ve been caught up in an endless cycle that has made you and your partner passive participants in your marriage. This happens when there’s nothing exciting or new in your relationship anymore.
While it is normal, you and your partner have to make some changes to ensure you come out of this rut.
When your marriage is in a constant state of stagnation, there are bound to be issues that indicate you and your partner are only occupying the same space or that the fire has long burnt out in your marriage.
While the roommate phase of your marriage can be a minor hurdle that you need to jump over, it can signify deeper issues you and your spouse need to deal with.
So, what do you do if this is you?
Of course, the first thing you should do is take action immediately and introduce some freshness into your now stagnant marriage. Take a look at how you and your spouse can transition from life as married roommates.
Address The Elephant In The Room
So, you’ve noticed that your marriage isn’t the same as when you first got married. There could be different reasons for this, such as resentment.
To get back to that happy, exciting couple you once were, you must address the issue. Talk to your partner about it, and don’t leave them to deal with the issue alone.
If you’re in a sexless marriage due to resentment, you should know that you’re here because as it built up, neither of you sought to find a solution to the problems you had in the past and the resentment kept building.
If you can’t find a therapist to help you through the issues you’re facing, the next step should be to learn how to communicate effectively.
The only way to unbind yourselves from this situation would be to talk about the problem you’re in so you can create space for your marriage to grow into what you want it to be.
When we’re resentful, we become sarcastic, nag, and criticize our partners most of the time. To deal with the roommate phase, you have to understand that this has to stop so you can bring up issues and talk through them objectively.
Rather than trying to protect ourselves from the hurt or frustration we feel by being nagging, overly critical, and sarcastic, we can start to pay attention and compliment our partners to bridge the gap between them and us.
Hopefully, they’ll catch onto what you’re trying to do and extend the same grace to you.
Re-Learn Your Love Languages
When you’re married roommates, chances are that you doubt whether your spouse loves you because they don’t show how you expect to be loved.
If your marriage is filled with doubts and uncertainties about whether you love each other, the best way to kick-start your affection for each other would be to learn what each other’s love languages are.
Make it a priority to do the love language test even though you’ve done it before because people change, and what your spouse thought was the ideal way of showing them love five years ago might not be the same today.
Talking about how you want to be loved can be an exciting endeavor, and at the end of it all, you both have a cheat sheet for what will work.
Remember that once you’ve learned your spouse’s love language, the real work begins. For example, if your spouse likes spending quality time with you, be spontaneous and find exciting ways to spend time together.
Whether it’s taking an unplanned road trip, planning your next vacation, or writing down your future goals together, your marriage will be better for it.
Discover Intimacy Again
When you’re married roommates, chances are that you either haven’t had sex in the recent past, or there’s no sex happening in the union.
Even if it isn’t clear why your marriage is where it is, having sex or being intimate is vital if you want to feel like a couple. Learning to associate your husband or wife with sexuality includes taking time to explore intimate moments, erotic touch, and sex.
When you’ve been in a sexless marriage, having sex again can be difficult or awkward, and you might not experience the intoxicating feeling you get when you can’t get your hands off your partner.
Don’t worry if this is what you’re experiencing right now. You can see a sex therapist and talk to them about your sex life and the challenges you’re having.
They will help you view sex with each other positively before you can get physical. If you’re ready to have sex and your partner isn’t there yet, try not to nag them, or they might start to feel the resentment creep in again.
Make sure the environment is conducive to sex so that the transition from not having sex to having it can be less uncomfortable. One way of doing this is to go out on a date or take a romantic walk while holding each other’s hands.
The roommate phase of a marriage doesn’t always mean that you and your partner cannot improve your situation. Most times, you only need the will, communication, and patience to see you through.