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I Had Sex Before Marriage. Now What?

by victoriavadenking
3 mins read

We’re discussing it. Despite what everyone will say, I’m not alone.

And if you’re here, chances are you can relate [hopefully].

I had sex before marriage…and I was left wondering…well, now what?

When I was a young girl, I had been taught, like many others like me, to value my virginity and cherish it.

I came from a staunch Christian family, so there was no doubt how important this was.

Further from my faith, while I was naturally curious, I also had the natural anxiety and fear induced by thoughts of sex before marriage. 

In high school, I was still a virgin and was holding on to my virtue fiercely.

I had no intention of giving up the cookie despite the long line of potential boyfriends that somehow knew I was a virgin waiting to be explored.

Then I graduated…and I accidentally lost it.

This post is all about sex before marriage.

i had sex before marriage

What had happened was…

I wanted to know what it felt like…we didn’t actually go through with the full-on act, but I didn’t know I actually lost it.

When it happened, I remember being overcome with feelings of guilt and shame.

Don’t get me wrong, it was my choice to do it, but when it happened, I didn’t feel like I made the right decision for myself at the time.

The thing is, while it was my decision to make, there are values I held close to my heart that I felt I had let down. 

In the end, I was left asking myself: I had sex before marriage. Now what?

So, if you’ve ever been in a similar position, you most likely understand my feelings after the act. 

While it’s easy to feel like you’re disappointed in yourself, there are different ways of handling the situation.

If like me, you’ve gone through similar events here’s what you can do.

i had sex before marriage

If You Want to Continue Abstaining

Understand That it Isn’t The End of the World

The most important thing you can ever tell yourself is that you aren’t damaged goods just because you had sex before marriage.

Feeling this way can result in an unhealthy sense of shame that might even spill into different parts of your life.

If this isn’t what you had imagined for yourself, you should definitely take responsibility for your actions, but remember to be kind to yourself. 

While wallowing in my guilt, I kept thinking to myself how disappointed I was in the decision I made.

I felt like I was horrible for what I did and began to hate myself.

If you have no intention of having sex again before marriage, it’s better to try and understand what happened so you can do better in the future.

Also, talk to your partner and find ways how you can support each other to meet the goals and vision for your relationship.

i had sex before marriage

Build Better Boundaries

The truth is that everyone struggles and has to deal with sexual feelings.

After all, it’s part of our biology.

However, if you want to continue a life of celibacy, it would be best to build better boundaries for yourself and your partner.

Agree on what you can and cannot do, or what you’re comfortable with to build intimacy in the relationship. 

Most people feel like there cannot be intimacy in a relationship without sex, but that cannot be further from the truth.

While sex can be used as a means of enhancing intimacy, it’s not the only way.

You can enhance intimacy in your relationship by working on your communication, spending quality time together, and engaging in activities that you both enjoy. 

If your significant other doesn’t feel the same way about not having sex, they might not be the best person for you.

If you feel that abstaining is the best choice for you, then you don’t have to threaten or force someone else to respect that choice.

No matter what you decide, you are precious and worth waiting for. 

i had sex before marriage

Forgive Yourself

Many people plan to wait to have sex with their significant other until they get married.

However, like me, their plans don’t often come through.

At the time, I felt like a shared a deep and true connection with the person I was with and I was convinced that this would be the person I would spend the rest of my life with. 

Some people end up having sex when they weren’t ready because they got caught up in the moment and felt pressure to have sex so they could keep their significant other.

Whatever your reason for having sex before marriage, you are likely dealing with some difficult emotions and it’s important to forgive yourself.

Find someone you trust and can talk to and allow them to help you work through your feelings.

i had sex before marriage

If You Choose To Go On

Understand That Your Value Isn’t Tied to Sex

We’ve all heard it before.

A girl had sex, and suddenly her friends feel that she was less valuable than those who have kept their virginity.

Just because you chose to have sex before marriage and want to continue doing it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.

You’re human, but this is something you’ll need to pray about if you’re also a Christian.

i had sex before marriage

Practice Safe Sex

Before you continue to have sex, ask yourself whether you are capable of protecting yourself.

Protecting yourself means you have the ability to recognize situations that would put you at risk of unwanted pregnancies and STDs.

Visit a healthcare practitioner and ask them what you need to know.

Let me be clear: I am not advocating for anyone to let loose.

As a mother of two girls, I think abstinence is the best route…but I also have to be honest and admit my own faults as well if I am to share advice realistically and wholeheartedly.

i had sex before marriage

Set Boundaries

Just because you’ve chosen to be sexually active doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have boundaries.

In fact, now is the time to establish your boundaries where sex and intimacy are concerned.

Figure out what you’re comfortable with, what you can or cannot do, and even how you would like to do it.

Having clear and defined boundaries is essential if you are sexually active as it will help you navigate sexual relationships clearly.

You don’t have to crumble into the pressure of having sex if you don’t want to.

You’re still allowed to say no if you don’t want it.

i had sex before marriage

This post was all about sex before marriage.

Regardless of which path you decide to take, be safe and smart.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your parents about the “birds and the bees,” go to a trusted adult.

When I was growing up, I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone, because I was taught “sex is bad” to the point that I am still dealing with it even as a married woman of nearly 10 years.

Because it’s not really discussed in the Christian culture, I implore you to find a Christian mentor who you can go to and ask questions, if you’re wavering.

It’s better to ask questions and be knowledgeable than to find out on your own and be faced with a life-altering decision.

If you enjoyed this post, click here to read more for wife life advice, and make sure to follow us on Instagram to see our behind-the-scenes life as a family of seven!

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